The Agony and the Ecstasy
by Fettkat
Summary: Unrequited love. What might have been but should never be. A rather unusual pairing in this story, I'll admit, but pls do read and review!


_**A/N: This is also set post my fic, "Myri and Me" but slightly AU to that universe in that here the Jedi actually leave Coruscant (as in canon). Yet another strange little idea I got when reading LotF- Exile. Been getting a lot of strange ideas lately...**_

**The Agony and the Ecstasy**

The relocated Jedi Temple on Shedu Maad had none of the opulence or grandeur of the Temple on Coruscant. It could, at best, be claimed to be a pale reflection of it. But Ben Skywalker still walked down its halls with a fond smile. He was returning after a long while and was happy to be re-united once again with his old friends, fellow Knights and Masters. He tried to drop by as often as he could, mainly for the sake of his aging father, but as a newly- married man, his life had changed pretty drastically, and he was beginning to feel the strain of shuttling between family scattered in different places. Myri had relocated herself to Coruscant on his account, and had taken up a position as an Intelligence operative within the Coruscant Security Force. Shedu Maad held nothing for her, she was a non-Force sensitive and other than having married into the Skywalker family, had no real allegiance with the Jedi. Besides, having grown up on Coruscant all his life, Ben had always been loath to leave his beloved homeworld. So he'd worked out a compromise instead. He was now the Jedi's political liaison with the GA government, the last tenuous link they'd left with it. Alongwith a few Jedi Knights and Jedi Master Corran Horn, he maintained the token Jedi presence on Coruscant, just so the galaxy wouldn't forget them entirely. And it allowed him to remain with his wife, exploring this wholly new chapter in his life called marriage.

His dad had not wanted to let him go. He knew that. And a part of him had also been reluctant to leave Luke behind, all alone. But he was now starting a family of his own. His future lay on Coruscant, of that much he was certain. He couldn't possibly ask Myri to follow him to Shedu Maad when all she'd have to do here was sit around twiddling her thumbs and running the occasional errand at the behest of the Jedi. That would surely have driven her insane! After much heated discussion, he'd finally been able to convince his father to let him remain behind. Of course, with Myri on the scene, his task had been much easier. But he still felt guilty though. He missed his dad and knew it must be getting harder for the Grand Master, as age caught up with him, to carry on without his wife and now, even his son. He wished wistfully that he would finally call it a day and move in with them on Coruscant. He knew Myri would be more than happy to accomodate him. That would be the most perfect solution to his problems. But the mere suggestion had caused Luke Skywalker's lips to purse into a thin line and his eyes had flashed at his son's implying perhaps that he had become too feeble to take care of himself. Ben passed a hand over his face at the memory.  
Dad was too stubborn to be reasoned with in this matter. He simply hoped time would do the trick and eventually drive him back home to be with his family.

The transition had separated him from other members of his family as well. His Aunt Leia and Uncle Han had been more than happy to relocate to the relative peace and quiet of Shedu Maad, especially since it allowed them the opportunity to be closer to and spend more time with their granddaughter, Allana, _Chume'da_ of Hapes.  
Allana, his former apprentice, now Jedi Knight. He missed his cousins, more than he liked to admit. Teaching and mentoring Allana had been his singular focus and pride for a long time. They had become very close. Now he rarely even got to see her, weighed down as she was by her royal duties on Hapes. Jaina, too, was now based on Bastion within the Imperial Remnant, raising a young family with her husband, Jag. Like it or not, Ben realized they had all grown up.

* * *

He stopped in front of the Great Hall of the Temple, modelled loosely on its counterpart on Coruscant. More natural light entered through the huge painted transparisteel windows here than on Coruscant, naturally, throwing reams of colour into the nooks and corners of the large assembly area. At the moment it was deserted. All the Jedi were away, in the mess hall for lunch, or elsewhere attending to other duties. His footsteps echoed loudly as he paced leisurely to stare out a window at the opposite end, into the haze of the Transitory Mists beyond, slipping with ease into a posture of relaxed meditation.

"It's good to have you back, Jedi Skywalker. This hall misses your music."

His reverie interrupted, Ben turned to find a lissome young woman walking towards him with a smile. Her long dense red hair, similar in some respects to his own, fell over her shoulders and she carried herself with a certain grace as she walked.

"Seha," he greeted the new entrant with a pleased smile of his own.  
"I daresay the Masters must be happy to be rid of it!"

She shook her head still smiling.  
"Everyone misses it, whether they admit it or not. I know I do. Do you still sing?"

Ben chuckled.  
"Oh Valin and I have kept up our act, if that's what you're wondering. It's a nice way to relax at the end of a day of political haggling."

Seha grimaced.  
"You have your father's patience, Jedi Skywalker! I don't think I'd be able to stand politicians for half as long as you must have to!"

"It's not always easy," Ben admitted.  
"There have been times when I've had to take the aid of the Force simply to keep myself awake! Makes me appreciate the capabilities of non-Force sensitives like Chief of State Dorvan all the more!"

The two regarded each other with mutual affection. Seha Dorvald had once been manipulated, much as Ben had, by the late Darth Caedus into acting as an agent for him. Both had grown greatly since those dark times, Seha into a well-respected senior Jedi Knight, and Ben, her junior by four years, into a responsible leader and eventually, heir incumbent to the role of his father. Ben remembered a time, in his much younger days, when he'd harboured a secret crush on Seha for a while, but had been far too shy to actually act on it. She had once jammed with Ben and Valin, for a laugh, and both the musicians had been surprisingly impressed with her voice. But she had never joined them again and they had both gone their very separate ways in the following years. Ben had found true love in Myri Antilles, youngest daughter to General Wedge Antilles, and Seha had travelled the galaxy on one mission after another for the Jedi Order, developing herself as a Jedi Knight and growing through the ranks. They had met off and on, within the Temple, and had remained fond acquaintances, but nothing more.  
Seha had had numerous dalliances and love affairs, never really finding a partner she could settle down with for life, though she still remained hopeful. But in the midst of it all, she had always kept an eye on Ben Skywalker, and though she would never have admitted it to anyone except herself, every sparse meeting with him had stirred a secret pain within her, a 'what if' that she'd always hastily brushed aside. She would never have had a chance with the son of the Grand Master, so she had let him slip away.

"Have you kept in touch with your musical talents, Seha?" Ben asked after a comfortable pause.  
"I remember you joining us once. You were good! You could do some really amazing things with your voice."

Seha blushed and looked away.  
"Well...I never cultivated it like you did, Ben. I guess I lacked your passion..."  
She looked embarrassed for a moment.

"Well," Ben said, casting a glance around,"There's no one around here right now. You want to give it a twirl?"

There was the old sparkle of mischief in Ben's eyes which Seha had always found irresistible. Putting aside her own trepidation, she nodded. Ben extended a hand and began with a powerful number familiar to them both, and Seha felt a jolt of exhilaration course through her at the sound of his oft-remembered rich voice.

* * *

The song ended on a crescendo and Seha found herself gazing embarrassingly deep into Ben's blue eyes. The young man looked away first, flushing a deep scarlet.

"That- ummm, that was good", he mumbled, "You should practice more, Seha. You've got a lovely voice."

Seha bit her lip, but nodded. Ben turned to go.

"Ben...Wait."

He turned back, but Seha could see his shields were up. He was keeping a close guard on his emotions.

"Uhh...do you, maybe, want to have lunch...?"

Ben walked slowly up to her, catching and holding her gaze with firm steadiness in his own.  
"Seha...I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry I led us into this. I shouldn't have asked you to sing that song with me. I'm married, and I love my wife. I love her more than life itself. I didn't mean to lead you on. It was inappropriate. I'm deeply sorry, Seha. I hope you'll forgive me."

And saying this he abruptly turned and walked away. Seha continued to gaze after him for a long time, her feelings left in complete turmoil by what she'd felt during their impromptu duet.

* * *

She almost ran into him in the corridor a couple of days later, ducking behind a pillar just in time as a deep flush rose upward from her collar. She couldn't bring herself to face him, not after what had passed between them. He was standing just a few feet away, talking on his comlink. Even without meaning to, she could hear what he was saying.  
He was talking to her. His wife, Myri. His body was angled slightly away from her, but she still caught glimpses of his face when he moved. And his presence in the Force was like bathing in warm summer sunshine. There was a tender smile on his lips and a faraway look in his eyes as he whispered hushed endearments into the comm. His longing for her was more than evident as he balled his fist up against the wall. Seha felt a dull aching in her heart. There had been a moment after their song the other day, perhaps even a spark of...something. But what she saw now in the warmth in his eyes was a love deep enough to override any momentary spark of passion. This was the real thing, what he had. He'd been right to stop her, stop them from doing something that might have caused unending damage. He was married, he loved his wife, and he would never do anything that might hurt any member of his family.  
Ben Skywalker was like that. And she knew that that was the very reason she would always love him.

** THE END**


End file.
